Putin orders KGB to Capture Santa Claus
Apparent Attempt to Disrupt Christmas
#LSN_Opinion
Father Frost to make appearance as Kremlin’s “alternative” Santa Clause
ST PETERSBURG, RUSSIA - December 21, 2018 (LSN) In breaking news, mainstream media is quoting anonymous sources reporting Vladimir Putin has ordered a commando operation at the North Pole. The jolly old elf is being held in an unknown location. Christmas Town, now annexed by Russia, is under the administration of Father Frost for a year, or three months whichever comes first in the Orthodox Calendar.
“No one knows what to expect under the tree this year”, said anonymous sources, but it is said in Thunder Bay, a public swimming pool has already been “disappeared”, depriving children of a century old tradition in that community. Putin’s influence has previously been cited with the closure of that city’s wildlife exhibit, attempted closure of their centennial conservatory, and neglect to the point of near ruin of their carousel. All these facilities provided enrichment and delight to children of all ages.
Other anonymous sources also suggest Thunder Bay has been targeted by Putin as a “pilot project” to more widely disseminate chaos in the west through such interventions as “new revenue tools” (hotel and rain taxes), sewing disharmony between parts of the city (through uneven development and rob Peter to pay Paul planning), and confusing public policy (by sprinkling modified fairy dust over city hall rendering common sense invisible). Roundabouts, previously thought also to be Kremlin inspired to confuse drivers and pedestrians turned out in reality to be the work of naughty elves.
Children should be aware of these “fake Santas”, possibly coming down their chimneys on Christmas Eve. Any suspicious packages left under the tree this year should be left unopened, and reported to the appropriate authorities.
This is a developing story.